Men don't necessarily experience a completely different version of depression than women, but often times their depression gets expressed in different ways. While this post focuses on men, these patterns can also apply to anyone who was socialized into masculine norms around emotional expression. Boys are often socialized to avoid expressing sadness, fear, dependence, and vulnerability; those are considered signs of weakness. Boys are often socialized to lean into anger, emotional stoicism, productivity, and self-reliance as acceptable expressions of masculinity.

As a result, many men don't simply express that they are sad, feeling hopeless, or losing interest in things they otherwise enjoy. For some men, depression expresses itself as irritability or withdrawal. They may also overwork themselves, engage in unhealthy substance use, or otherwise numb themselves. In that way, depression in men can sometimes be easier to recognize by paying attention to what someone is doing rather than waiting for them to express sadness.

Most people come to therapy expecting to talk. In my experience, talking does help, often enormously. Putting words to experience, making sense of patterns, understanding where something came from is real and meaningful work.

But sometimes people find themselves in therapy for months, or even years, with genuine insight into why they are the way they are, and they still feel stuck. They understand the pattern, can trace it back to childhood, and know intellectually that their reactions don’t always fit the situation. Despite that, something hasn't really shifted. The body still tightens, the shutdown still comes, or the angry outbursts still happen.

This isn't always a “failure” of insight. It's often a clue that something else needs attention.

Complex trauma is often misunderstood or perceived as a vague and confusing description for what someone has gone through. Most people associate trauma with a single, clearly identifiable event. Complex trauma is different and it doesn’t feel tied to one memory or experience. It develops over time in childhood through repeated experiences that are tied to pain, fear, invalidation, boundary violations, and abandonment.

The kind of exhaustion that many lawyers experience doesn’t appear in one singular moment. It’s one that builds over time and starts to become noticeable once it affects other areas of your life. At work, you keep showing up, performing, meeting deadlines, managing clients, and billing your hours. Other people might think you seem fine (especially your coworkers who may even admire you). But internally you feel like something is deeply wrong or missing.