Many couples can point to the moment a conversation goes wrong. One person raises something that has been hurting them, the other goes quiet, and the more one reaches, the further the other seems to move away. Or it's early on, and you can't stop wondering whether someone who seems so calm and easygoing actually likes you. If either of these sounds familiar, you may be in what's sometimes called the "anxious-avoidant trap," a pattern of anxious avoidant attachment, where one partner leans anxious and the other avoidant.
In this post I'll cover what anxious and avoidant attachment are, why people with these two styles so often find each other, how each person's way of protecting themselves sets off the other's, what tends to be underneath it for both of you, and what changes in couples therapy when the two of you can see the cycle together. I'll also say something about whether an anxious-avoidant relationship can work.
What is anxious avoidant attachment?
People use the term anxious avoidant attachment in two ways, which can be confusing. Most often it describes a pairing, with one partner who has an anxious attachment pattern and the other an avoidant one, and that is what this post is about. It is also sometimes used for a single person who has both patterns, which is more often called fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment. People with an anxious pattern tend to feel unsure of where they stand, watch closely for signs of distance, and reach for closeness (sometimes through worry, sometimes through anger) when they sense it slipping away. People with an avoidant pattern tend to value self-sufficiency, feel uncomfortable when a relationship asks for more emotional closeness, and pull back or go quiet when things feel intense. I write about each of these in more detail in my posts on how to heal anxious attachment and therapy for avoidant attachment. For a wider look at how attachment shapes relationships, see my relationships and attachment page.
When the two meet, each person's way of coping tends to land on the other's most sensitive spot. The anxious partner's reaching can feel like pressure to the avoidant partner, and the avoidant partner's distance can feel like rejection to the anxious one. Over time that becomes a loop both people feel stuck In, which is probably why the word "trap" became a common way to describe it. I tend to think of it as a cycle two people are caught in together, which I find more useful than trying to decide which person is at fault.
Why are anxious people attracted to avoidant partners?
In my experience it often begins with a kind of relief on both sides when meeting each other and in early dating, though the relief comes from different places. Someone with an anxious pattern may meet a person who seems calm, collected and sweet, and find that steadiness very appealing. What they may not see right away is that the calm can also come with some aloofness, and the more they try to win this person over, the more preoccupied they become with where they stand. Someone with an avoidant pattern, who often learned early to rely on themselves, may feel comfortable at first in a relationship that doesn't ask too much of them, and may not notice how much distance they keep until a partner starts asking for more.
There is often familiarity in it too. Each of you may be recreating, without knowing it, something similar or related to what you grew up with, whether that was a parent whose affection was unpredictable or a parent who wasn't emotionally available. What feels like chemistry may partly be familiarity, though most people are unaware of it until they start to look directly.
How each person's protection triggers the other's
By the time couples come to see me the cycle has usually been running for years. The anxious partner tends to be the one who speaks first. They often describe feeling that their partner has checked out, isn't putting effort into the relationship, and isn't giving affection or words of affirmation, and they're angry that their emotional (and sometimes physical) needs aren't being met. The avoidant partner often begins somewhere very different. They may say everything is fine, that they still love their partner and are putting in as much as they can, and that this is simply what a more mature stage of a relationship looks like after the honeymoon period, with their partner's expectations being unrealistic.
As the work goes on, the avoidant partner usually turns out to have complaints of their own. They feel overwhelmed by their partner's anxiety and anger. When the anxious partner feels their needs aren't being met they may become critical or make demands, and the avoidant partner pulls away and shuts down. The anxious partner reads that as confirmation that their partner has checked out (and in some cases, where there is a silent treatment, that may be partly true), so they get angrier and escalate. The avoidant partner, feeling attacked, shuts down further, and the loop continues. Both end up feeling indignant. The anxious partner may also feel shame for being "too much," while the avoidant partner, who is more likely to keep their indignation to themselves, may feel shame about shutting down, not knowing how to respond, and not knowing how to meet their partner's needs.
In the room, couples in this pattern often sit somewhat far apart, especially when it has been going on for a long time. The anxious partner is usually the more expressive one, more likely to cry and to show anger. They may describe themselves as oscillating between having a fire and a heaviness in the chest. The avoidant partner often presents as the calm one, less animated, with a body that looks tense and contracted (which makes sense, since expressing feeling can feel vulnerable and therefore unsafe). If the anxious partner's anger rises, the avoidant partner may defend themselves a little at first and then shut down, sometimes looking at me with a kind of helplessness, as if to say "how am I supposed to handle this?" The anxious partner may look at me with helplessness too, for a different reason, as if to say "look at how much this hurts."
Sometimes I let the dynamic play out for a while, even though I know couples come hoping to interrupt it (and, often without realizing it, also hoping I'll take their side). I might say that I know this is hard, but that I'm glad they're letting me see it, because it gives me a real window into what their relationship is like outside the room. Then we can slow down and look at what happened between them, and what each of them was feeling underneath.
Anxious vs avoidant attachment: what each is protecting against
On the surface anxious and avoidant attachment look like opposites, one person moving toward the other and one moving away. In my experience what's underneath is often closer than either of them would guess, and for both it is often a fear of rejection. The anxious partner is afraid of losing their partner, so they express their anxiety and anger in the hope that it will bring their partner closer. The avoidant partner is protecting themselves from being hurt and rejected by keeping some distance, and when their partner gets angry they feel highly triggered. They shut down as a way of avoiding a conversation that might leave them feeling even more rejected than they already do. Neither of them usually sees that their way of coping makes the very thing they fear more likely.
Where this comes from varies, and it often goes back to childhood. An anxious partner may have grown up with a parent who was unpredictable in how they showed affection, or who was highly critical. An avoidant partner may have learned early that they had to do everything on their own because their parents weren't emotionally or physically available enough. Some avoidant partners also had critical parents, and came away feeling that everything they did was a disappointment, or that love depended on achievement (good grades, sports, music, performance, etc.). Trauma can also be part of the story for either person.
Can someone have both anxious and avoidant attachment?
Yes. Researchers generally treat attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance as two separate dimensions rather than two ends of one line, which means a person can score high on both. People who do are often described as having a fearful avoidant or disorganized style, where there is a real wish for closeness alongside a real fear of it. I write about that in more detail in my post on disorganized attachment style.
It also helps to know that these patterns can shift depending on the relationship. Someone who tends to be the avoidant one with a very expressive partner may find themselves more anxious with a partner who is hard to read, and the reverse can also happen. Attachment patterns tend to be fairly stable, though not fixed, and people often show a different side of them with different partners and at different times in their lives.
What changes when you both see the cycle
I work with these couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and one of the first important moments is being able to describe the repeating dynamic together. Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, calls these patterns "demon dialogues." My sense is that she chose the word demon on purpose, because it can feel as though each person is possessed by their automatic reactions and unable to separate from them. Some couples find a different name for it, since "demon" can be provocative (which is partly the point, but still). Giving the pattern a name is a first step toward creating a little space between the automatic impulse and what each person actually does with it.
It doesn't change quickly. I often tell couples that it has been this way for years, so of course it takes time to try something new. Trying something new can even feel threatening. The anxious partner may worry that they will simply give up their needs and end up in a miserable relationship. The avoidant partner may worry that if they let themselves come closer, they will end up hurt.
The next shift usually comes when each partner can reach the feelings underneath. The anxious partner often turns out to be very frightened of rejection. The avoidant partner may say that they deeply love their partner but are scared to speak up because they don't want to make things worse, that they feel like a disappointment, and that this is why they minimize themselves and what they say. As each person starts to see where those feelings come from, they can speak more vulnerably. Just as important, they can begin to feel more empathy for one another. This goes beyond understanding each other's history in your head. It means seeing the other person's vulnerability, which is what allows each of you to soften and to try to meet what the other needs.
In my experience, one of the things that most often opens things up is when the avoidant partner begins to show their vulnerability. The anxious partner is usually used to expressing emotion, so their feelings may not land as strongly, even when they are raw. The avoidant partner's vulnerability can come as a shock to the system and to the relationship. An avoidant partner might say how much it hurts to feel like a disappointment, that they love their partner very much but feel like a failure, and that it reminds them of feeling worthless to their parents. The anxious partner may then be able to respond with empathy and reassurance. Having softened, the avoidant partner can offer more love, which then reassures the anxious partner . It also lets them look past their own sense of failure and listen to their partner. And because what lies beneath the two styles is not that different, the avoidant partner can recognize their own feeling of being unworthy of love in their partner's constant search for reassurance. Both people can see that they have more in common than they had thought.
None of this means the automatic reactions disappear. Each person usually still has them, but with more flexibility in how they respond, there is more room for understanding, affection and repair after a rupture. Each partner has to move in the direction of the other. The anxious partner works on tolerating uncertainty and the discomfort of attachment anxiety. The avoidant partner works on tolerating closeness and vulnerability, even when the impulse is to pull away, and on saying so and repairing when they do pull away. There can also be grief along the way. The anxious partner may grieve what they went through growing up, and the fact that they can't turn their partner into the person they wanted. The avoidant partner may grieve their own childhood, and how sad it is to have felt like a failure and a disappointment for so long.
Reading about all of this can bring a kind of awareness, and that matters. Understanding the pattern in your head is a start, though in my experience it rarely changes the pattern by itself. What tends to make the difference is experiencing something different in the room: a partner's vulnerability landing in a way that moves you, or saying something frightening and finding that the other person stays. Those moments carry an emotional weight that intellectual understanding doesn't, and over time, repeated experiences like that may change how your nervous system responds when the old fear comes up.
Can an anxious-avoidant relationship work?
In my experience, yes, and it can deepen the relationship, letting each partner experience love in ways they might not have before. What tends to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work is each partner's willingness to move toward the other, and both people being able to see the cycle as the shared problem, with neither of them cast as the one at fault. It takes time, and it often means feeling things that each person has spent years protecting themselves from.
There are situations where this picture doesn't fit. If one of you is afraid of the other, or there is emotional, physical or sexual abuse or coercive control in the relationship, the conversation is different, and couples therapy may not be the right place to begin. In those situations individual support can come first.
Anxious-avoidant couples therapy in Manhattan and online
I work with couples using an EFT-based approach, in person in Manhattan and online across New York and Florida. You can read more about this work on my couples therapy page and about how I think about attachment on my relationships and attachment page. If your partner isn't ready for couples therapy, individual therapy can also be a place to understand your side of the cycle. If you'd like to talk, you can reach out for a free consultation.
Sources
Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult romantic attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (pp. 46-76). Guilford Press.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology (Vol. 35, pp. 53-152). Academic Press.
