Maybe a partner told you that you seem far away, or that they can never tell where they stand with you. Maybe things were going well until they got serious, and then you noticed yourself feeling less present, more irritable, or suddenly very busy. Or maybe relationships aren't what brought you here at all. Work has taken over your life, or everything feels flat and you can't really explain it. If you've been searching for a therapist for avoidant attachment, some version of this may be familiar.
What is dismissive avoidant attachment, and does therapy help?
Avoidant attachment is a way of handling closeness by keeping some distance from it. People with this pattern tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, to be uncomfortable with vulnerable feelings (their own and other people's), and to pull back, sometimes without consciously deciding to, when a relationship asks for more. "Dismissive avoidant" is the name usually given to the version where needs and emotions get played down or waved off, including your own. Therapy can help with this, though it tends to happen slowly and through the relationship with the therapist, as I describe below.
From the outside it can look like independence, or like disinterest, but in my experience it's often closer to an unacknowledged fear of closeness. A lot of the time you wouldn't feel that fear directly. It tends to instead show up as doubt, second-guessing the relationship, finding reasons the other person isn't right for you, or leaving them a little uncertain about where they stand. In a way, it makes sense that you might not have access to the underlying fear of closeness, because feeling the fear itself would mean feeling exposed and vulnerable. And many people with avoidant patterns hold strength and independence as central to who they are.
If you recognize the wanting-closeness-and-dreading-it version more than this one, you may be closer to what I describe in my post on disorganized (fearful avoidant) attachment. The two overlap, and part of the difference is how consciously the fear and the longing are felt. And if you want a wider look at how this shows up in relationships, I write about it in what it means to be emotionally unavailable.
Why people with avoidant attachment often come to therapy for something else
It's rare for someone to contact me and say they think they have an avoidant attachment style. More often there's a recent breakup, where a partner said they weren't emotionally available, or they weren't investing enough in keeping the relationship going and deepening it. Sometimes the story is that as soon as things got serious, they started to feel less present and less available, and they're not sure why.
Sometimes it's work. Many of the people I see have put a great deal into their jobs, at the expense of a relationship, and their priorities don't change once a relationship begins. Sometimes it's a lot of doubt about a partner, a constant second-guessing of whether this is the right person, along with making themselves less available so the other person is always left uncertain.
And sometimes there's no relationship story at first. There's numbness, or low mood in the background that can look functional from the outside (the work gets done, the days get filled). But there might be an emptiness underneath and a sense that life has become more boring and the zest has gone out of it. If that sounds like you, my post on why you might feel empty may be useful too.
What is underneath avoidant attachment
Where it comes from varies. Often there were parental figures who were either suffocating and overbearing, or distant, and sometimes simply misattuned, people who, for their own reasons, weren't able to recognize and meet their child's emotional needs. If closeness meant being overrun, a part of you learned to protect your boundaries by becoming fiercely independent. If closeness meant receiving distance or neglect, a part of you learned to take care of yourself so you wouldn't have to feel that pain again. A young child can't actually do that emotionally, so what happens is staying occupied, with hobbies, projects, anything that keeps attention elsewhere.
Misattunement like this can happen in a home where nothing "bad" happened. Many people with avoidant patterns tell me exactly that, that their childhood was fine, and then they find they have very few memories to draw on. In my experience this overlaps with dissociation, a way of getting through and still pursuing goals in life, at the cost of staying a bit removed from your own inner world.
What therapy for avoidant attachment looks like
Therapy for dismissive avoidant attachment tends to move slowly, and the pattern shows up in the room itself, which is a large part of why the work happens there.
In the room, the pattern might show up as feelings that get talked about but not felt, and sadness and other vulnerable feelings may be hard to lean into. The conversation may get a little vague, or move to another subject, when we get close to something tender. I understand all of this as protection, something that once kept a person safe. Nobody has to be more open than they're ready to be.
It can take a long time to develop a real attachment to me, and for a while therapy can feel utilitarian, more of a service than a relationship. I sometimes find myself longing to know the person better. In terms of the body, I haven't seen one consistent sign so much as a difficulty recognizing and tracking what's happening inside, so part of the work is slowly building that, which is where somatic work can come in.
At some point in treatment I might share how I'm experiencing the distance between us. I might say that it feels like we're standing across from each other with a glass window in between, and that the glass seems a bit opaque, and then wonder if they feel that too.
Clients pause for a moment to take it in. Hearing it can be hard, because it can bring up shame, and sometimes there's a bit of a shutdown. Some laugh it off or say they're not sure what I mean. When that doesn't happen, or when we're able to work through it, I often see a big sigh and a sense of being seen and understood. They may have been holding tension around the distance too, and they don't have to pretend anymore. Some say something like, "Part of what's so hard is that I try to pretend it's not there." Many tell me they feel the distance as well, and they begin to recognize their discomfort with closeness out loud. That can become a moment of attunement that is reparative, even though the feedback may be hard to sit with.
For some people, there's a big shift the first time they cry with me. It represents the beginning of depending on me, and on therapy, which goes against the survival instinct to be independent and self-sufficient.
How to heal avoidant attachment
Healing happens through experience more than insight. Having certain experiences in therapy that turn out to be safe, letting some of the vulnerability be seen and finding that the relationship holds, is what allows you to begin relying on other people and being more open with them outside the room. The self-reliance that once protected you doesn't have to go away.
If you're not in therapy, there's something you can notice on your own. Pay attention to the impulse to create distance, especially around relationship milestones. When a wave of doubt about your partner comes up around those moments, it can be worth wondering, gently, whether it's information about the relationship or a part of you protecting you from something it's afraid of. You don't need to answer that right away.
Grieving what you didn't get
Part of the work, and I think a meaningful part, is grief. When a part of you learned early to stop needing, those needs didn't disappear. They were repressed. As they come back into view, often slowly and sometimes sideways, through sadness that seems to arrive out of nowhere or a sense of how much was missing, there can be a lot to mourn, including the attention that wasn't there and the years of managing on your own. This can be hard to allow when you feel that nothing "bad" happened and there's no obvious reason to be sad. It can feel disloyal, or out of proportion, to feel this sadness (and sometimes anger, too). You can grieve what you didn't get and still understand that your parents may have been doing what they could.
How to love someone with avoidant attachment
If you're the partner of someone avoidant, the most important thing I'd want you to know is that, in most cases, they aren't trying to hurt you or make you feel insecure (it's a different conversation if narcissism or another personality disorder is involved). Their nervous system may simply reach its breaking point faster than yours does, and they cope by closing themselves off.
It tends to help to try, to some degree, to meet your partner's need for independence. That might mean learning to tolerate some distance, and being okay with giving them space at times. In a good dynamic the movement goes both ways: the non-avoidant partner learns to tolerate some distance, and the avoidant partner learns to tolerate closeness. You may find your partner feeling the impulse to pull away when major milestones come up, which is worth expecting rather than taking as a verdict on you.
None of this means giving up your own needs. Your relationship needs matter, and couples therapy can help both of you find some compromise. I wouldn't ask anyone to stay in a relationship where they feel completely alone.
When it may be something else
Avoidant patterns can exist alongside other things. If the numbness, flatness or loss of interest is the main thing, it may be depression, which can look quite functional in someone who keeps showing up to work. If you have very few memories of childhood and often feel detached from yourself, dissociation or trauma may be part of the picture. None of these rule out an avoidant attachment pattern, and they can overlap.
Doubt about a relationship can also come from relationship OCD, where unwanted, repetitive thoughts about whether you love your partner or whether they're right for you cause real distress, along with a pull to check, review or seek reassurance. With avoidance, doubt tends to rise as closeness grows and ease as distance returns, and it doesn't usually feel like an unwelcome intrusion. The two can look similar from the outside, and it's worth having someone help you tell them apart.
Therapy for avoidant attachment in Manhattan and online
I work with avoidant attachment patterns, in person in Manhattan and online across New York and Florida. You can read more about how I think about these patterns on my relationships and attachment page. If you'd like to talk, you can reach out for a free consultation.
Sources
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244. PubMed
