How to Stop Ruminating: “Thinking Harder” Usually Just Makes It Worse
You’re lying in bed trying to fall asleep but can’t stop replaying a conversation over and over again in your head: what you said, how they felt about it, what they might have meant by a pause or certain facial expression. You hear yourself saying essentially the same thing, so going over it again isn’t going to tell you anything new. Even though part of you knows that, your mind keeps pulling you back anyway, like if you just think about it one more time you’ll finally figure it out.
What I just described is rumination. If you’ve been trying to figure out how to stop ruminating, you've probably already tried the usual things like telling yourself to “let it go,” staying busy, and trying to logic your way out of it. You, like many others, have probably noticed that none of those methods usually last, and it’s not because you don’t have enough willpower. In my experience, rumination usually isn't so much of a thinking problem, which is why “thinking harder” rarely resolves it. Below, I'll talk about what's often underneath rumination and a few things that can help in the meantime.
What is rumination?
Rumination is repetitive, circular thinking about something painful or worrying, like a mistake, a conflict, a loss, or a feeling that won’t go away. The psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, who studied this topic in depth, described rumination as dwelling on your distress and its possible causes and consequences without actually moving toward a resolution. Her research linked rumination to both depression and anxiety, and found that it tends to keep those states going rather than relieve them.
Rumination is different from reflection, which usually goes somewhere: you look at something painful, understand it a bit better, and eventually you're able to feel some resolution and not fixate on it. Rumination circles back to the same questions over and over (Why did I do that? What's wrong with me? What if it happens again?) without ever getting to a durable answer.
The shame underneath the loop
People ruminate about all kinds of things, like a loss, something unfair that happened to them, or a health scare. I’ve noticed in my practice that when someone comes in struggling with rumination, very often there's shame underneath it. The loop might look like worry on the surface, like replaying a meeting, second-guessing a text, or bracing for someone to be upset with you. But if you listen to the questions the mind keeps asking, they seem to point in the same direction: What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
Shame is one of the hardest feelings to sit with directly because it doesn't just say "I made a mistake," it says "I am the mistake" and “I am bad.” So instead of feeling shame, and in order to avoid it, the mind reviews, analyzes, and tries to find reassurance or the one thing you could have done differently, as if figuring it out might finally make the feeling go away. Rumination can be a way of staying close to shame without ever fully feeling it, and because the shame never gets touched, the loop never ends. Research supports this connection too – one study found that people who are more prone to shame are more vulnerable to depression, and part of that is due to rumination (Orth et al., 2006).
I think of clients who come in describing what sounds like constant, exhausting overthinking about work, relationships, or things they said years ago. It might take a while, but at some point the shame underneath comes into the room. Some clients have described it as something like “I feel like there’s just something deeply wrong with me and I’m one bad interaction from being found out.” The shame is usually more painful than the worry itself because it’s a deep, long-held sense that there's something fundamentally wrong with them, and that if they stop monitoring themselves, other people will see it too. Once that comes into view, the rumination starts to make a lot more sense. It wasn’t ever really about the email or the conversation; it was about protecting themselves from that feeling.
Where the shame comes from
Shame like this usually develops slowly and progressively, in environments where some part of you wasn't welcome. You may have been given the message that your feelings were too much, your needs were inconvenient, or love and approval seemed to depend on getting things “right.” A child in that kind of environment learns to watch themselves closely, to anticipate what might go wrong, and to assume that when something does go wrong, it's probably their fault and they’re “bad” because of it.
For people who've experienced complex trauma, this can especially be the case. When safety once depended on reading other people's moods and anticipating how they might react, scanning and replaying can become the nervous system's default setting. You can read more about how that develops in What Is Complex Trauma?
By adulthood, even if the original source of shame isn’t actively reinforcing it, the vigilance can still be there. It just attaches itself to whatever is in front of you now.
What changes in therapy
When the shame comes out, therapy becomes less about stopping the thoughts and more about getting to know the part of you that's been running them, and what it's been so afraid of.
Something that often surprises people is what happens when they bring the thing they're most ashamed of into the room and it’s met with curiosity rather than judgment. For many people, it's the first time they've experienced being fully themselves with someone, including the parts they've spent years hiding, without anything bad happening. Slowly, that makes space for something different, like being a bit more forgiving of themselves, and more understanding of why they learned to be so hard on themselves in the first place.
There's often grief in this too, for the acceptance they didn't get when they needed it, and for how much energy has gone into managing themselves ever since. This grief is important. It's often what finally lets the rumination loop loosen, since the grief is part of what the rumination was also hiding.
What I often see is that, over time, people who couldn't send an email without rereading it five times start to trust themselves a bit more. They notice when the old loop starts up and can recognize it for what it is. They're able to make a mistake, feel bad about it, and then actually move on, which is something rumination never allowed them to do.
How to stop ruminating thoughts in the moment
Therapy is where the deeper work happens, but there are a few things that can help in the meantime. None of them will turn rumination off, but they can change your relationship to it.
When you notice the loop starting, it can help to ask what you're feeling rather than what you're thinking. Often the answer is simpler and more painful than the story your mind is telling (I feel ashamed, I'm scared they're upset with me), and naming it can take some of the pressure off. It can also help to notice what's happening in your body, like tension in your chest or jaw, or shallow breathing, since rumination usually has a physical side too. This is part of why somatic therapy can help where talking alone sometimes doesn't.
Some people find it useful to write their worries down at a set time each day, also called a “worry list.” The point isn't to solve them on paper, but to give them somewhere to go, so your mind doesn't feel like it has to hold onto everything all at once. And when you can, try to notice the loop without arguing with it. Arguing tends to keep you engaged on its terms, while recognizing this is that loop again can create a bit of distance.
When rumination is part of something else
Sometimes rumination is one piece of a bigger picture. If it comes with a persistent low mood, loss of interest, or difficulty functioning, it may be part of depression. If it involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts and a strong urge to mentally check or review things until they feel "right," it may be part of OCD (sometimes referred to as "rumination OCD"). OCD tends to respond best to specific treatment, so it's worth talking with a clinician who can help you understand what you're dealing with.
Getting support
If you find yourself stuck in rumination and want to understand what's underneath it, I offer individual therapy in person in New York City and online across New York and Florida. You can schedule a free consultation to talk about whether working together might be a good fit.
Sources
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424.
Orth, U., Berking, M., & Burkhardt, S. (2006). Self-conscious emotions and depression: Rumination explains why shame but not guilt is maladaptive. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(12), 1608–1619.
