When Depression Doesn't Look Like What We Might Think: How Men Sometimes Experience Emotional Pain

Men don't necessarily experience a completely different version of depression than women, but often times their depression gets expressed in different ways. While this post focuses on men, these patterns can also apply to anyone who was socialized into masculine norms around emotional expression. Boys are often socialized to avoid expressing sadness, fear, dependence, and vulnerability; those are considered signs of weakness. Boys are often socialized to lean into anger, emotional stoicism, productivity, and self-reliance as acceptable expressions of masculinity.

As a result, many men don't simply express that they are sad, feeling hopeless, or losing interest in things they otherwise enjoy. For some men, depression expresses itself as irritability or withdrawal. They may also overwork themselves, engage in unhealthy substance use, or otherwise numb themselves. In that way, depression in men can sometimes be easier to recognize by paying attention to what someone is doing rather than waiting for them to express sadness.

Irritability and anger

Anger is often an emotion that covers less accessible emotions like shame, sadness, or powerlessness. A depressed man may start to be impatient with his partner, family, or coworkers, and others may realize he's changed before he recognizes it. Oftentimes, it takes time and self-reflection to recognize that the anger may be protecting someone from painful and vulnerable emotions.

Overworking and being constantly busy

Overworking is also a common way that depression manifests, as depression doesn't always look like not being able to get out of bed. Some men manage their emotional experience by working constantly, over-exercising, gaming for hours, or otherwise finding ways to always be occupied. This is often a way to unconsciously avoid being alone with themselves and their pain. It's also the case that productivity is often socially rewarded, which makes it harder to recognize the pain behind it. The key question to think about here is: what happens when he stops occupying himself?

Withdrawal and social isolation

Social isolation and withdrawal can be a very common way that a man's depression gets expressed. A depressed man might stop reaching out to friends, become less emotionally available to his partner and family, or spend more and more time alone. He may insist that he doesn't need anyone and is self-reliant, which is also often socially rewarded. In reality, connection itself may have begun to feel exhausting or inaccessible. It can feel easier to understand this withdrawal as "healthy independence" than to recognize how difficult connection has become.

Emotional numbness and “going through the motions”

Depressed men may also experience the absence of feeling entirely. They might stop caring about things they otherwise care about and they might lose interest in sex or hobbies. They might also feel like they're just "going through the motions," as though they're a passive participant in their own life.

Risk-taking and substance use

Lastly, it's not uncommon for risk-taking or substance use to be a way a man copes with his pain. This can look like increased drinking, drug use, risky sex, or otherwise reckless behavior. These are often ways to escape an internal experience that feels intolerable. It can also be a quick way to feel something when life feels otherwise numb.

Many depressed men don't think to themselves, "I'm depressed." They often feel exhausted, irritable, withdrawn, or that they just need to do more. In therapy, we begin to recognize how these experiences are different expressions of pain that has been difficult to identify and put into words. It's also important to mention that women can also experience all of these symptoms, and many men experience depression in more traditional ways (e.g., frequent crying, sadness, not getting out of bed, etc.). The way men and women have been socialized often does play a role and lead to the differences we often see clinically.

On a deeper level

In my clinical work, I've found that what shows up as depression in men often goes deeper than just mood. Underneath the irritability, overworking, and withdrawal, there’s often a history of earlier experiences that made emotional expression feel unsafe or unwanted. There may have been experiences of emotional rejection, overly high expectations, or environments where vulnerability was dismissed. Complex trauma isn’t always one big incident. Sometimes it’s a result of many years learning not to need anything from others. In therapy with men, we begin by recognizing how and why these experiences have been difficult to identify and put into words.

If something here resonates, I’d welcome you to reach out. Therapy doesn't require you to already know what's wrong or have the perfect language for it. I offer a free consultation to see whether working together feels like a good fit. You can click here to learn more about individual therapy with me.